Grief is carried on clouds

Grief is so hard to explain. Trying to find the words…

Grief is a weight that you carry with you, that makes everything harder. It’s a road march, where you have to keep going no matter how exhausted you get. Some days, it’s dark road with no end in sight. Grief can be drowning, unable to breathe. It’s a fire that smolders and flares. It’s a speeding car out of control. Grief is being in a foreign country where everything looks the same but nothing makes sense.

But really, grief is carried on clouds.

clouds

After a death, life goes on, the sun keeps shining for everyone else. You turn your face to the sun and do your best to carry on. But clouds pass in a moment of grief that twists your face into a grimace of pain for just an instant until you get it back under control. Some days are cloudy, where everything is under shadow and a shower of tears feels just around the corner. Some thunderstorms can be predicted but you never know when a surprise storm will show up. We need the rain, but we all hope for those beautiful sunny days – when the water vapor is still there, it’s always there, but it’s diffuse.

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2 thoughts on “Grief is carried on clouds

  1. Julee K says:

    Anastasia, I am moved by your writing about Ada. I have never lost a child but I did lose my brother to brain cancer and it was horrible and I completely understand what you’re going through. I especially like this sentence you wrote: “Some thunderstorms can be predicted but you never know when a surprise storm will show up.”

    I don’t think one can ever really get over a death. I miss my brother every day of my life and sometimes the tears come out of nowhere and I just have to go with it.

    I wanted to grow old with him and joke about our mom and growing up. He is woven into the fabric of my life probably more than anyone else on the planet.

    Keep writing. There are people who know this loss. My mother lost her son and she has not been the same but she presses on. What else can one do?

  2. Anastasia says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your brother, Julee. I think one of the hardest thing about death is the dreams unfulfilled. You don’t get to joke with your brother, I don’t get to watch Ada learn how to speak…. and so much more. All the daily trials and joys are taken away from us.

    What can we do? We have to go on living. And try to find meaning in the loss.

    Thank you for the encouragement.

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