Numb

Feeling numb. As Ada’s due date approaches, my mind is filled with the thought that I should be 8 months pregnant. In another universe, I would be big and round and happy. I’d be feeling Ada move and kick, we’d be getting the house ready for her arrival. It would be a wonderful, joyous time. I feel like I should be constantly in tears yet I haven’t cried for weeks. It’s such a strange feeling. Like I’m having an out of body experience that’s been going on for weeks.

I wrote this the day after my birthday – August 14 – but didn’t have the energy to publish it. Re-reading it now I am wondering who that person was.

The only other time that I have been this exhausted was in basic training. In basic, I at became a master at getting sleep whenever I could. On the bus, waiting in line, while walking (seriously, I remember many times that I wandered off into the brush sleep-walking during a road march). Another coping mechanism was to eat so much as my body was trying to fuel all of the activity of training (french toast and eggs and potatoes and….). PLDC and various field exercises were exhausting as well, though they added a bit of a mental component.

This feels very similar but it’s a different kind of exhaustion. Instead of arms exhausted from carrying a rifle or too many pushups, my arms ache from yearning to hold a baby that is not here.  Instead of pushing through a road march or yet another PT session with a clear, almost meditative mind, the exhaustion is mental. My mind is constantly working, with what ifs and shouldas floating around with painful memories and yearning for lost futures. It’s non-stop even when I try to push it out of my mind or try to focus on something else.

Food won’t help because the cause is not physical exertion. I’m too tired to cook – even the idea of getting out a pan is exhausting – and it doesn’t matter anyway because I’m just not hungry. I struggle with the task of going to the grocery store, buying produce in hopes that it will look good the next day, but it just rots. Thank goodness for whey powder and vitamins. I might be able to catch a nap during the day, but sleep at night is elusive. I fear going to bed because that’s when my mind wants to race, along with my heart. Said heart feels like it has a huge hole in it, or perhaps it’s been ripped out and I’m just walking around undead.

None of this is compatible with real life. Forget trying to write or even think about anything besides Ada. Forget housework. My floor desperately needs vacuuming. My dogs stink, they so need baths. I don’t even have the energy to take them out. The bathrooms are dirty. The sheets need washing. But I just don’t care. Until it’s like midnight and I need an excuse to not go to bed even though I am exhausted.

I’m still having all those constant shoulda thoughts but it’s not so bad. I’m still exhausted, but it’s no where near as horrible as it was. I actually vacuumed yesterday (although to be honest it was because hubby broke a lightbulb as he was trying to kill a wasp). I’ve actually been able to sleep the past few days, which is amazing. I’m so thankful for sleep! And I’ve been happy about stuff, looking forward to things. I guess all of this means that I’m “getting better” whatever that means but part of me feels like I’m betraying Ada. Like I should be still miserable for her.

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