Dreams

I’ve been having a lot of strange dreams lately. Many have themes of loss, either of things or of people. Weird dreams can be a symptom of pregnancy, but this isn’t new for me. I’ve always had anxiety dreams of various sorts, including a recurring dream of missing a flight.

I don’t believe there’s anything spiritual or ghostly about dreams, although they can be so powerful that I very much understand people who do believe they are messages or omens. I believe dreams are just the brain’s way of resting. Flipping through bits and pieces of your memories and putting them in weird combinations while you sleep, all heavily flavored with whatever your mental state is at the time. For me, that appears to be anxiety most of the time, and since Ada passed away there’s been a lot of sadness as well.

I was taking a nap a little while ago that was so powerful that I woke up crying even though nothing was really sad in it. It’s been a few days since I had a good cry – maybe it was just time.

I think we were either moving into a new house or were on a trip somewhere in a place that had some shared living areas. I overheard my sister and cousin talking and singing (as children, maybe someone was watching a home video) and that reminded me of my time in the Girl Scouts. So I put on my green Cadette beanie. A workman walked in to do some plumbing or other work in a common area and he’d brought his daughter with him. She was so cute, maybe 4 years old, wearing a Brownie sash and beanie with a pink jacket. I couldn’t help myself so I went to say hi. I said I used to be a Girl Scout and that my name is Anastasia. She was so shy, she mumbled and looked at the ground. I said “it’s ok, can you speak up”? I had to coax her a bit then finally she said loud enough to hear: “I’m Ada.” I immediately started crying and couldn’t stop even though I had thoughts running through my mind that this child would think I was crazy. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing or make her think she had made me cry. I had no idea what to say, how to start to explain. Then I woke up.

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