Changed

We made it to the third trimester, and then some. My pregnancy app says we are at 27 weeks and 1 day today – 90 days to go. I’m so thankful that everything seems to be going well. My ob office and high risk ob are seeing me alternating weeks so I have an appointment to look forward to every week. Rose seems to be developing perfectly, she was in the 45% percentile two weeks ago at her last growth scan. Part of me is starting to fantasize about holding her, about her dad holding her, but I’m terrified to let those thoughts go too far. I can’t even believe we made it this far, it’s like I’m waiting to wake up. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I know that Rose should “bake” as long as possible but every day part of me wishes I could just go into labor early. She’s doing well today, squirming around while I’m in meetings at work and while I write blog posts, but who knows what will happen tomorrow? We get used to things being one way and then everything can change in an instant. Death sneaks up on us. Ada has certainly changed me in many ways, one of which is being more cognizant of mortality.

We humans are so far removed from nature most of the time, it’s so easy to forget that people die. Death can be such a shock. Even when our loved ones are elderly and sick, part of us never really expects them to die. We expect everyone to be timeless, to be timeless ourselves. Each time a loved one dies, not only are we mourning the loss of a loved one, I think we also mourn the loss of our immortality.

After stillbirth and miscarriage, we mourn the death of our child and we also mourn the loss of our innocence. No subsequent pregnancy, if we should be so lucky to have one, can be without fear. Instead of expecting happiness, we expect grief. We’re changed.

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